Running into My Own Defenses

by Sheree L. Ross

2012 has been quite the year. I have lost many friends who have transitioned onto bigger and greater lessons and experiences in the afterlife (as we call it). There has been an increasing unrest in the world as well as lots of compassion and love. It seems a whole lot of changes are being demanded of us and not all of us are on easy footing with the demands as we discover how all of this “life stuff” really works. I am a student of life and I love to learn.

The more I learn the more I see what life is about and more importantly what I am about. The more I understand myself the more peace I find. I used to think that personal peace was overrated but I can assure you that it’s not. What I have grown to understand about myself as I come to my own close of the year of the Awakening/2012, is that the energies of the Universe and the ones in ourselves are very subtle.

I spend a lot of time asking for the same thing, wondering where it is, going through a bevy of emotions as it continues to elude me. But what I came upon in a health challenge that came to me recently (to help me get some clarity as I was not getting it any other way) is that if I don’t have it, I am not able to receive it. Huh…that’s simple enough. And there is even a great possibility I don’t yet even want it. (NO WAY!)

Yes, I am familiar with this idea of if you don’t have it you don’t want it but I could never really wrap my head around it and truly thought it was a ludicrous idea. I mean if I’m consciously spending days, hours, weeks, even months asking for a thing that in my unconscious I really don’t want, there is something mightily wrong and it seems that I am not the only one caught in this cycle of fruitlessness.

But as I listened in mediation, I began to understand that it really isn’t so much that I don’t want it, it’s that I also want to keep some of the things that aren’t necessarily in alignment with the having of it. And thus the battle begins and my defenses go up and the movement towards the manifesting of what I want comes to a screeching halt. Of course I have no idea that I am standing in my own way so I try a little harder, try a different technique, listen to a different set of teachers. Go to another set of workshops. Even go to church. Yet somehow never catching the clue that the real reason I’m not getting what I want is that I’m trying to change everything in the world but me. I am the constant that seems set on not changing to the fullest degree necessary in order to get what (I think) I want so badly.

This has certainly given me a lot of food for thought as I look forward to what is next on the horizon of my life. And dang-it if it doesn’t make a lot of sense. The good that I can take away from this is that I can spend less time learning from others and more learning about myself. As I get to know myself better I think I will be able to spend less time wanting and more time living and enjoying the life that is Now Here (No Where!) To all of you – Happy Holiday’s and a Joyous New Year of Awakening!